A Poem For Baby Evan

Matthew holding the necklace my sister bought me honoring Baby Evan.

A year ago today

Was a day like any other. 

Well, that's not exactly true. 

This day I was a mother. 

A mother waiting eagerly,

To see my little bean. 

Tears filled Daddy's eyes, and mine,

To see our baby on that screen. 

"There's just one," the doctor said. 

Which made this momma blue. 

For I'd been so sure in my heart

That I was carrying two. 

Joy returned quite quickly, though

We were parents now!

Here was the answer to our prayers.

Then, a doctor's furrowed brow...

We knew something was wrong,

We didn't have any clues. 

The silence screamed so loud 

Before he finally broke the news. 

"There is a second heartbeat,

Dr. Douglas will explain it more.

The baby's still up in the tube."

...my heart crashed to the floor.

I knew what 'ectopic' meant,

But Andrew looked unsure. 

I don't know much what happened next,

It all was such a blur. 

The baby would not survive, 

Dr. Douglas explained to me. 

To save myself and our other child 

Would require a surgery. 

"It's very rare to have caught this"

Most ectopics aren't alive.

The miraculous thing was that OUR baby

Had somehow managed to thrive. 

That night I had two babies

Nestled in my womb.

And I spoke to them softly

As I laid there in my room. 

I told them I was sorry,

For what? I didn't know.

All I knew was I had a child

That on this earth I would not know.

We named the baby Evan James.

He was a boy, I just "knew."

But I thought Matthew was a girl,

Maybe I mixed up the two. 

Evan might be my baby girl,

It doesn't matter either way.

What matters is a heartbeat was heard,

And I'm thankful everyday. 

Had that heartbeat not been strong

I might not be around. 

Matthew would not be here now, 

Sleeping safe and sound. 

I think of Evan often,

With Matthew tonight, I pray

For that beautiful tiny heartbeat

That gave us both this day.

I love you, sweet sweet Evan. 

We may be physically apart,

But you're our guardian angel,

And I keep you in my heart.

I never got to kiss your face.

I never saw you smile.

I would give almost anything

To hold you for awhile.

Our time in Heaven will arrive

And I can promise you

When I finally see your precious face

That will be the first thing that I do.

But until then I will be right here,

With Matthew and Daddy, too.

And everyday until we meet again

We will forever be thankful for you. 

Best Day Ever

I know it's been so long since I posted, haha. It's been 14 weeks since Matthew was born, and I haven't shared the story of his birth! I was talking about it with Vanessa the other day, and it reminded me that I need to post this. So while Daddy has Matthew for a nap, I'm gonna tell you the story of the best day. Ever.

I was obviously nervous that whole week (ahem, NINE MONTHS) leading up to Delivery Day. Having watched A Baby Story quite a bit while on bed rest, I was VERY relieved not to have to endure contractions. You women that have are warriors!!! I was in a lot of discomfort with my Braxton Hicks contractions, and I'm sure that was nothing in comparison. Thankfully, I don't have to compare, haha. But I was still nervous about other things...well, just one thing. The dreaded epidural. I had bad (and bizarre) pergnancy dreams surrounding the epidural randomly throughout my pregnancy, and I was extremely solemn that day.

We got to the hospital early, my doctor thought they might take me back early if I did. But nope, we sat in the waiting room for awhile, watching other people wait around for news for their loved ones. I wanted to throw up. Right at 1:00 we were back in the room. I changed into my gown and had THE most painful IV insertion ever. It made me cry. I seriously have the worst veins for drawing blood/having an IV put in. After that was all done, we waited for awhile.

Holy moly I was huge!!! And highly uncomfortable. So even though I was scared of the Big Bad Epidural, I was ready for this show to get on the road.

My blood pressure spiked when they were prepping me to go get my epidural, I had to have medicine pumped into my IV to calm me down. I was trying to tell them having Andrew in there was a drug-free way to calm me down, but they weren't having it. So a sweet little nurse held me while I boo-hoo'ed into her shoulder as they gave me the Big Bad Epidural. How was it??? Well...I'm glad I freaked out for so long, because it was nothing like I'd imagined it. I guess I thought they were going to turn into ninjas and stab me with a samurai sword, or something. It wasn't pleasant, but I could easily do it again. Although, I was scared when the doctor said he needed me to tell him if he'd done it right. All I could work out through my tears was "Shouldn't YOU know?!?!"

They laid me back and tied my arms down and moved me around since my whole lower body was numb (WEIRD sensation). As they were doing all of this, Andrew was getting ready to come see me!

The surgery itself seemed quick. I was totally in disbelief that I could feel everything they were doing, but not feel ANY pain. Lots of tugging and pulling, VERY strange. Finally my wonderful doctor warned me that it was time, I'd be feeling a lot of pressure and HOLY COW SHE WASN'T KIDDING. For about two long seconds it felt like an elephant had just sat on my chest, then there was sweet relief as it all whooshed away, and there was my son! Being held up for me to see over the curtain. He was a goopy, bloody mess. He wasn't crying (yet). He was here. Finally.

At 3:15pm, our 10 pound 7 ounce "little big guy" came into the world. He was 22 inches long, and he looked almost identical to me when I was a baby. They cleaned him up and gave him to his daddy for our first family picture:

It took about 20-25 minutes for her to get everything sewed up. I finally got to hold Matthew as they wheeled me back to the recovery room.

That's when he stopped crying and opened his eyes for the first time, looking at me. We just stared at each other while I told him that I was the one he'd kicked senseless for the last nine months. It was such a brief moment between us, but it's my favorite moment from that whole day. I can still close my eyes and see it so vividly. Rachel's line on Friends when she tells Emma "I know you"...that's exactly how I felt. I knew him. And I felt like it was equally special in his little baby world: he knew me. My voice, my heartbeat. And he seemed to feel the giant wave of love that was pouring off of me at the sight of his beautiful face, looking at me. This was the day I'd waited for since I was a little girl. This was the baby Andrew and I had prayed we'd have for nearly three years. This was the moment...I will never forget it. Time stood still for those few seconds. It was there, the connection I had feared wouldn't be there. That bond all mothers say is there from the beginning. This was my baby boy, my Matthew. I was so glad he was finally here.

What happened next was a whirlwind. He got checked out by nurses, his daddy fed him his first bottle...

It was a really big comfort to have one of my oldest friends, Sara, there to take pictures and be there for us. It was a day I'd talked about with her for as long as we'd been friends, and it meant everything in the world to me that she was there. We may not be as close as we were before, but it was nice to see that the big moments were still able to be shared with her. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Sara. It wouldn't have been the same without you there.  =)

We got taken to our room. People came and went, and the next few days were full of figuring out (a little belatedly, sadly) that we were under-feeding him and trying to sleep and forcing myself to walk around some. I was surprised to find that the women I'd talked to were right: a c-section wasn't nearly as bad as it seemed. I was sore, no doubt. But I feel like I healed pretty quickly. I will not be nearly as nervous if we have another baby, that was so much easier than I anticipated.

So that is the story of the best day. Ever. I am so thankful to my family, my friends, my as-always wonderful and loving husband for being the rock while I fell apart beforehand...but mostly I'm thankful for our wonderful blessing the Lord gave to us. It's been a crazy 14 weeks, and I certainly was nervous starting out. But Andrew and I are settling into being a mommy and a daddy very well. We love Matthew more than we could ever have imagined we would. He's such a happy, silly, beautiful little boy. Each smile makes any high maintenance moments worth it (and there are many, haha, he is a needy little thing). I borrowed Craig Ferguson's expression "cheeky monkey" and it's my special nickname for Matthew. It fits doubly because he has chubby cheeks, haha.

And finally, I want to offer a big thanks and apology to all of you who had to endure my complaining for so long. You were all right, as you knew you would be. I knew it too, deep down...that every nauseous and painful and uncomfortable moment would be more than worth it once he was here and in my arms. I couldn't be happier with our little family, my heart just is so full of love for my boys.  <3>

My empty arm...

It's 9:00 and all of my boys are asleep. This is a rare thing, haha, and I'm surprisingly wide awake. I have been watching Matthew sleeping and have had a lot on my mind. The main thing that comes to mind is baby Evan. I have thought lately that Evan might've been the girl I was so incredibly sure I was having when we saw the positive pregnancy test. Not that it matters, Evan Rachel Wood is an actress. No big deal what sex the baby was. Boy or girl, the baby is on my mind a lot lately. 

It's no secret that we have had a lot going on with Matthew. Colic, acid reflux, gas, trouble pooping, general neediness...it's all been incredibly overwhelming. And my main thought in the most difficult moments has been "oh my gosh, what would I do if there were two babies here right now??"

That being said, given a choice? Evan would be in my other arm tonight and this blog post wouldn't even be happening. I have looked down to catch Matthew grinning his giant open-mouthed grin at me a lot the last few days, and tonight I thought "how cute would they both be, lying here cooing and smiling at me?" I think some people think it's weird to mourn a baby I never felt kick, never heard the heartbeat for, never saw on the monitor. This wasn't some baby that was too weak to make it, though. This was a baby that had thrived against all odds, and the fact that Evan HAD thrived so well in the Fallopian tube is probably the only reason I am holding my sweet Matthew in my arms tonight. There was a big chance I could have died as well if Evan's heartbeat hadn't alerted the doctor that he (or she) was there. I know there was no way to save Evan's life. But we still had a surgery to have the tube...and sweet Evan...removed. It has stuck with me. My sister got me a beautiful necklace from James Avery to wear, with Evan's name and the date of the surgery engraved on the back of the "You'll always be in my heart" charm. I wear it all the time. It reminds me of how close I came to losing both of my babies. Evan may not have lived for long, but that short life was such a powerful one. And I know that Evan's sweet soul is with our Heavenly Father until I one day join him (or her). 

Until then I think about Evan daily. Sometimes, ashamedly, in a moment of relief that I only am having to comfort one crying baby. But that's not my true feeling on it, because I would give almost anything to have two pudgy-cheeked babies smiling at me everyday. 

I have gobs and gobs of pictures of Matthew to plaster all over Facebook. I have nothing to share of baby Evan except this blog post. I have seen some women refer to babies lost during pregnancy as their "angel baby". And I like that term, it is a comfort to think of the baby that did so much for me and Matthew in his/her short time with us as a little angel in the kingdom of heaven. I know some people think it's silly or weird to name the baby we lost and all that, but I don't mind. Hopefully those people never lose a baby like that and suddenly get why I felt like I had lost something I only knew I had for less than 24 hours. Ben Rector has a song called "When A Heart Breaks", and it describes that day last October when we were ushered into Dr. Douglas's office for the news. So I will leave you with those lyrics, they are profound. I highly recommend you look up the song if you have a chance. 

I woke up this morning

And I heard the news

I know the pain of a heartbreak

I don't have answers

And neither do you

I know the pain of a heartbreak

This isn't easy

This isn't clear

And you don't need Jesus

Til you're here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

I heard the doctor

But what did he say

I knew I was fine about this time yesterday

I don't need answers

I just need some peace

I just need someone who could help me get some sleep

Who could help me get some sleep

This isn't easy

This isn't clear

And you don't need Jesus

Til you're here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

When a heart breaks

When a heart breaks

Oh, when a heart breaks

This isn't easy

This isn't clear

And you don't need Jesus

Til you're here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

Baby Shower

It's been since November since I did a blog update, holy cow! Most of you have kept up with me through Facebook, so my blog has kind of taken a hit (moreso than usual, I mean). You all know the struggles I've had through the pregnancy...I've never been one to suffer quietly, hahaha. It's been really hard with the continued nausea, the high blood pressure/stress, the painful kicks and jabs to everything in my abdominal cavity. Pregnancy is just absolutely NOTHING like what I thought it would be. As much as I don't really like it (I borderline hate being pregnant), I still am so happy. I cannot WAIT to meet the little stinker that makes me wince multiple times daily from his powerful kicks! I keep hoping and praying he looks just like his daddy, I would LOVE a little clone of Andrew running around. And he WILL be running, if his activity in my belly is any indication. Gonna have a busy one!  =)

The only thing I've really found I love about being pregnant? The fact that my cat FINALLY gives me as much attention as I give him, hahaha. Dewey's always been a daddy's kitty, but ever since I got pregnant he has been "all up in my groceries" (love that expression from my friend Beth). And I LOVE IT!!!! I shower him with love and praise 24/7, and he can't get enough. After any stressful day at work, I come home and sit to relax, and he jumps up on the arm of the chair to forcefully get as much lovin' as I can dish out, and it truly does help relieve the stress of the day. I love my kitty!!!!

Harley's become so much easier in 2013!! He turned 1 on March 5th, and while there are times he still drives us bonkers, we are so relieved that we were right in sticking with him. He was a tough puppy with all that energy from being a puppy AND a Border Collie, but we knew he was smart and sweet and that once he grew up some he'd be so much better. Toughing it out was really hard, hahaha. That dog was on my last nerve daily for months, I think. But he's so much better! He's more than a little obsessed with Andrew, though. Those two SERIOUSLY are so cute when they play/snuggle. Harley liiiiiiiiiiiives for any time he gets with Andrew. Harley and Dewey are still working on becoming friends. The funny thing is that you can tell they love each other and want to play all the time, but they just are still at different levels of play. Harley still goes really rough right off the bat, and Dewey's more of a "let me hide and jump out at you" kind of playful. They'll figure it out eventually, haha.

So last weekend we had two baby showers: one at Andrew's office, and one here at the house for family and friends. Andrew's coworkers gave us such a sweet shower, and soooooo many people chipped in to get us some precious gifts and lots of gift cards to Buy Buy Baby for other things on our registry. We were very grateful, it was all so generous!

Then the next day we had a TON of people over to our house for a shower! We were pleasantly shocked at how many people were able to make it, some driving from pretty far to get here. Our wonderful home group ladies Laurel and Lauren came over early to bring flowers and food and help us set everything up. They were absolutely fabulous, they took so much off of our plate and were on the same page the whole time with everything, we were so grateful for their help. Look at this beautiful setup:

Now some of you might be going "Is that a baby in fruit on the right?" YES, haha. My mom has become more than a little addicted to Pinterest, and found this ridiculously adorable baby in a carriage thing made entirely of fruit (plus a pacifier). She asked if I would mind if she attempted it, and I was like "Sure!" She did AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here's a close up:

Thanks, Mom! You really did an awesome job, everyone commented on it and asked about it. Really, really great! We also got a cake from our favorite bakery, Romano's Bakery.

We were incredibly overwhelmed at everything Mattie got. Tons of cute clothes (including some cute monkey stuff, which I'm so relieved at after some of the scary monkey stuff we've been seeing in the stores), practical gifts of diapers and bottles and ointments (I love those gifts!!), stuff for the nursery...I had to fight back emotional hormone tears, haha. So much more than we could've dreamed of. Thank you SO MUCH to each and every one of you. "Thank You" cards are coming soon, and I have plenty of time being on partial bed rest, haha. We love you all SO MUCH!!!!

There were lots more present-opening pictures, but I think that's enough, haha! It was such a great day, and our hyper puppy was SO GOOD for the time he was out with us (we kenneled him for food and presents). Dewey made a small child cry and then sulked in his room for the rest of the party, haha. It breaks my heart that Andrew and I are the only ones that see his lovey-dovey and hilarious sides. We've just never had many people visit in the nearly 4 years we've had Dewey, so when people walk in he gets very territorial. We know he's a wonderful kitty, everyone else just has to take our word for it.  ;)

Well that's all I have on the camera, and I've got two furballs fighting for my attention right now, so I'm going to wrap this up! I'll try not to let 5 months go by before the next blog post.