The cold never bothered me anyway...

"It's a widely accepted notion that as people get older, they change. With the exception of those that change due to gigantic/traumatic life experiences, I don't think people DO change at their core.  

What I believe happens is we turn into adults, and we change the way we present ourselves. My whole life I have loved animals. As a child I just got excited when my friends had pets and I bought school folders with kittens on them. As an adult I have two rescued animals and plans to foster in the future. I share missing animal photos on FB and follow local rescue groups and share funny animal pictures. Animals have always been important to me, I just show it differently now. 

I have never thought I was beautiful. As a kid this was evident by the way I didn't like having my picture taken. Now I pose for pictures with my husband and son so I'm part of the memory of the moment years later. I stopped worrying about the zit on my chin or my agonizingly thin hair or my giant arms or double chin, I stopped wearing black tops to appear slimmer and wear bright colors now...the people who see the picture already know what I look like. It's not as if they see a picture and go "geez, does she really look like this?" So I stopped being quite as self-conscious. But I still avoid looking at myself in the mirror unless I'm getting ready to go somewhere. My looks have always disappointed me, I just show it differently now.

I've been a sensitive person for as long as I can remember. People constantly hurt my feelings, both intentionally and unintentionally. As a child I would mope or write letters (so as not to be interrupted and sidetracked) or bottle it altogether to avoid confrontation. Fighting with the people I love was something I tried to avoid: fighting meant that person might leave. And being alone is my greatest fear in life. Not just romantically, but with my family and friends. So I let people hurt me more and more, never really defending myself. As you can imagine, that was a horrible approach. I was young. I saw relationships around me dissolve over fights. Family fighting amongst themselves and fences not ever really mending. And of course friendships can end over something as minor as a friendship bracelet for kids. So I was always scared to speak my mind when I felt wronged, I never wanted anyone to stop liking me.

But not long ago I stopped being the version of myself I thought everyone wanted. In what probably wasn't the best way (hard to know how to ease into something new sometimes, I'm human), I started saying "those words/actions hurt my feelings." It felt so good to feel like I had a backbone, that I was STANDING instead of tucking my tail between my legs and apologizing for anything I needed to for whoever to forgive me and get back to normal. I felt like I was finally being true to myself. Giving my feelings a voice. 

And everything fell apart. Those fears of speaking up had come to pass. I lost my best friend. My relationship with my sister is broken, in my mind, beyond repair. And realizing that those people could so easily turn and move on is...I'm sitting here trying to think of a word that encompasses how painful it is. There isn't one. And for months and months I have hung my head and told myself I did something wrong. Common denominator and all. I have replayed things in my head on sleepless nights and long drives to and from work about how I could've avoided the conflict by just not saying anything in those moments.

And it's easy to look at these situations and think "guess people change and turn into people who don't want to be around each other anymore." But is that true? To others it probably seemed like I changed. I didn't crawl back to accept responsibility I didn't really feel I had just to go on being around that person. I stood my ground. I showed the me that's always been there, just hidden. And I think maybe those people never changed, but just turned into a truer version of themselves as life went on. Perhaps they never really cared, just kept up the routine because we were family and they felt they "had to" or because we'd been "friends" for so long it was easier to faze it out after high school and wait for a big fight to get out. Doomed long before the big dramatic ending. 

Andrew has watched me go from a "hold it in" person into my true "address my feelings" person. The man never wavered in his love for me. My mom was on the receiving end of a long letter answering her often-asked "you just seem so angry at me, why?" question. A perfect example of how I should've put more thought into the "how" of opening up. But ultimately I am glad I did it. She went away at my angry words, but we found a way back to a much better place because there was no bullshit. I wasn't going to hold my emotions back anymore. She didn't stop loving me: because she always DID in the first place. 

I have come to realize I am not to blame. I realized that I am the common denominator because I was done not speaking up for myself. I realized the people I've lost that I loved so much stopped caring for me the same way they used to long before the conflicts arose. I realized I shouldn't be ashamed for refusing to continue pretending the way I was feeling was trivial. MY FEELINGS MATTER. All my life I have felt that my feelings weren't important to anyone but me. Now that I'm an adult...well, I learned I am for the most part correct, haha. The people that DO care don't judge me for being myself. Sadly that is a short list. The list of people who stopped caring the day I started standing up for myself is much longer.

Any time I get upset, the word "depression" gets bounced around. Because it could never be anyone's words or actions making me upset. No, it MUST be a chemical imbalance because I have "high expectations" of people. If wanting to know I matter to my family and supposed friends is a high expectation, then I'm guilty. If wanting these people to want to spend time with me is a high expectation? You got me. All I've ever wanted in my life, from work and from friends and from family, is be treated LIKE I MATTER. Call me a friend? Treat me like you treat your other friends. I make a point to actually CALL and TALK to a lot of people. I regularly check in on people that I love through text/Facebook. I mention getting together, but they mysteriously don't follow up. I do my best to show I care about the people I care about. I don't believe for a SECOND it's "high expectations" to think the same in return is the way it should be. Others disagree. 

Today I realized I'm wasting time, energy, and tears on people that don't want me in their lives, based on everything they do. Talk is just that: talk. Action is far more telling. Or in this case, lack thereof. When I see I'm not being treated the same as other friends/family/whatever, it hurts. And tells me I clearly am hanging on when I should be letting go. As the people that do care have watched things go down and talked to me, their advice is always the same: "Jamie, these things you're dealing with are hurting you. Every time. It's not changing, it's not getting better. You shouldn't waste time on people that won't give time to YOU." And I finally heard them. These people are older and wiser than I. I know in my heart they are right. I have prayed constantly to be brought to peace on this situation. I hold my head up when the hurt continues and I tell myself it will eventually get better. 

But it's not. And as someone who HAS struggled (but does not currently suffer from, and that's the God's honest truth) with depression, I know that what can trigger mine is holding in pain. Blaming myself when others are mad at me and I felt I was right.

So before I get to that point, today I say ENOUGH. If you ask any of my friends at work or my husband, they could honestly tell you I am always one to come back saying "I was wrong for _____" when I know that to be true. Maybe not in the moment, but later when the moment dies down. But when months go by and I still feel I said/did the right thing, that I was being true to myself...I'm done feeling guilty for my emotions. 

My name is Jamie Dudek. I am sensitive, occasionally overly so. I can be known to have knee jerk reactions. I have a point I can be pushed past where I can't ever forget what was said/done. I am also silly. Easily amused. I am a hard worker. I am competitive. The standards some think I hold people to don't hold a candle to how hard I am on myself. I fight depression constantly, and have been winning for several years now. I communicate: almost too much. I am stubborn. I detest being treated unfairly. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it's large and it has SUCH a strong will to love my family and friends. I like funny movies and laughing over dinner and drinks with loved ones. I love music and watching/hearing about inspirational stories. I love being a mother, it has been very humbling, challenging, and rewarding. It has made me happier than I ever dreamed it would. I love seeing how much good there is in the world. I am a believer, I love God and I pray constantly, for myself and others. I love to help people. I put myself out there like an open book on personal issues to be able to connect with others who haven't found a way to share a struggle I also have. I hate traffic. And bugs. God I hate bugs. But the thing I hate most in the world is feeling like I am nothing to the people I love. Who I thought knew me, loved me, and accepted me. Who say I matter and then fail to treat me like I do. 

I can't change these people. I can't change what happened. And I'm done regretting. I spoke my mind, I lost. I am finally ready to move on. All I can do is control MY actions and reactions. 

I am human. I have feelings. And I will not stand to have them trampled on without speaking up. You don't like that? I really don't care anymore. Move along and leave me in peace. I have a beautiful baby you will miss out on knowing, and he loves me. I have a wonderful husband who does his best to fill the void left by my favorite people not caring anymore. I have a great circle of friends that care about me and support me: for them I am grateful. I have the Lord. And I am determined to know that is enough, I will stop missing these people who don't give me a second thought.

As I am prone to do at the close of a blog post, I have a "theme song" for my situation. "Let It Go" is very popular, obviously. But it's also a very deep song. Full of pain and determination. 

"The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation,

And it looks like I'm the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside

Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn away and slam the door!

I don't care

What they're going to say

Let the storm rage on,

The cold never bothered me anyway!

It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

Can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me 

I'm free!

Let it go, let it go

I am one with the wind and sky

Let it go, let it go

You'll never see me cry!

Here I stand

And here I'll stay

Let the storm rage on!

And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast

I'm never going back,

The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go

And I'll rise like the break of dawn

Let it go, let it go

That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand

In the light of day

Let the storm rage on,

The cold never bothered me anyway!"

**I found this one, too, like my previous blog. Hidden as a draft from July of 2014. 

I remember why this one didn't get published. Because while vehemently meant every word I said, I backed down. I didn't continue standing up for myself. I played nice as best I could and forced myself to be around people to avoid conflict. Just recently I finally had another "enough is enough" moment that I know will stick. Because I am happier without that negativity in my life. I wish I hadn't spent so long trying to ale my way through things to avoid other people getting upset with me. So much wasted time and energy. I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. "I'm free!"   :)