It Doesn't Matter

It's already after lunch, the day has gotten away from me. There's a dishwasher to be emptied, a sink full of dishes to be washed. There's laundry to be washed, and laundry to be put away. I haven't eaten or changed out of my pajamas (although, truth be told, I only get out of pajamas anymore if I leave the house). The show of choice today is Sofia the First, the one where Amber sings "Bigger Is Better". Followed by the pink princess block's song on "Big Block Singsong".  

Any mother looking in could find a plethora of things to criticize and judge me on. 

But for what? What do moms get out of comparing and criticizing other mothers? Another mom I know texted today to tell me her frustration at these very moms. I myself have expressed my confusion over some women's need to tear down instead of build up other moms. I found myself giving what I hope was helpful advice, although it was during this conversation where I realized ANY advice moms give can be taken negatively. 

And my advice was this: it doesn't matter. Sounds simple enough, right? We all "know" that the opinion of others doesn't matter, yet we still question ourselves and our decisions based on what others have to say. 

Take co-sleeping, which we do a version of here. I used to get so upset when people judged me or acted like I was permanently scarring my child. Now I react much better because IT DOESN'T MATTER. People make the "well we wanted to do what was BEST for our child" argument. I just want to tell them "you aren't being a better mother than I am because you put your baby in a crib. I could argue I have a deeper bond with my child, but I'm not going to be so arrogant and presumptuous. You parent YOUR way, we will parent OURS."

From what I've noticed in my short time as a mother, moms naturally have their way of doing things, and since they think their kids are perfect and wonderful they incorrectly assume that what THEY are doing must be the "right way". 

Much like diaper brands. People will swear by what they use, but other moms don't share the same fondness. I think Pampers are the only good disposable diaper. I've used all of them over the years in child care, and I consistently think Pampers out-perform. I know women who haaaate Pampers. It's all about each individual mother's reality. 

Half the time they don't mean to come across negatively, but they just do. And they DO because it's natural to get defensive about what you do as a parent. It's natural to get your hackles up about your baby. So while most come across as judgmental, the meaning behind it isn't always that way. You can either get annoyed every time or remind yourself that they aren't trying to piss you off. Moms have made me CRY about things that now I just smile and nod and go "to each their own." 

It's ALSO a moms natural instinct to share with other moms. First time moms don't have a frame of reference and constantly ask other moms for comparisons. And they read a LOT of books that say all sorts of things about "should" and "shouldn't". I am proud that I hardly even read the What To Expect book. My pregnancy wasn't like that book, and my child probably isn't typical either. No child fits those guidelines. 

I think all we can do is try to do our part to stop these negative interactions with other moms. Show them the less hostile way, lead by example instead. Don't take everything as a personal attack. Because odds are their heart is in the right place and they are taking the word of Dr. New York Times Best Selling Author. 

It's also best to say as little as possible on those extremely polarizing topics. Like formula versus breast feeding, co-sleeping, home birth versus hospital birth, c-section versus natural birth, and things like pacifiers and thumb-sucking and television habits. 

People act shocked that Matthew's favorite show is Sofia the First. All because it's not a "boy" show. But I just laugh. My son likes catchy music, when it's on I pick him up and we dance. The "girl" shows just have better music. Someone inevitably goes "but he watches other things, though, right?" and one day I will get the nerve to go "not really, is that a problem in some way for you?", haha. 

There will always, always, always be SOMETHING for someone to turn their nose up at. We just need to shut down conversations with these people. It's not worth it. Because these women that ARE being snarky only get validation that they are being good moms, making the coveted "right choices", by pointing out what other mothers are doing wrong in their eyes. 

So today there are clothes and dishes to be dealt with and princesses on our television. But there's also a little boy dancing and playing with puzzles and looking at the window and chasing the cat and snuggling with his momma. There's a HAPPY baby that is so incredibly loved by his parents. A baby that will (hopefully) begin the transition to his crib tonight, too: fingers crossed! And no amount of criticism changes anything in this house. Because it doesn't matter. We are doing the best we can, and at the end of the day that's all ANY mom can do.