It got me to thinking why exactly I was against turning 30 in the first place. It's just a number, after all. And with the exception of my all-too-real daily body pains that were NOT there a few years ago, I don't FEEL 30. So why the fuss??
It hit me while I talked to this coworker: fear.
When I turned 20, I had this whole unknown life ahead of me! I was single, I had a new job making new friends that would take me on amazing journeys. I had dreams of becoming a wife and mother. I had my problems, but life was good.
Fast forward a decade. It's a very normal thing to hit a milestone age and assess your life. Take inventory, so to speak. And I was going into my 30's with significantly less than I went into my 20's with. My best friend that I was sure I'd spend every decade with? Gone. Moved on happily, without me. No more birthday dinners at The Melting Pot or excited trips to CiCi's. A decade of traditions with one of my favorite people in the whole world, just...gone. The person who always loved and accepted me when even my family didn't: gone. To say it has been heartbreaking for me is a gross understatement. Any songs that can be applied to missing a friend can make me misty-eyed.
We moved 20 minutes past where we were living before. To an area we love in a house that fit our budget. And we have found a drastic disconnect from my family. We are "too far", so we tried inviting ourselves over a lot, but the driving became too much with Matthew not being fond of the car, and money adds up fast when you're the ones driving. So we rarely see my family anymore. I lived with them for most of my 20's, so to not be there as part of their lives really anymore has been an adjustment.
I realized that all of these things, that was what I focused on. What was missing. The stuff I assumed I would carry with me everytime the first number in my age changed.
But I realized somewhere along the way that my 30's will be so much more wonderful than I thought. I have Andrew. And Matthew. I am the wife and mother I always wanted to be. Soon I will be able to focus on my dreams that I wasn't ever sure I could pursue: writing, fostering, working with animal rescue groups. Adopting a child someday.
Most importantly, I have the Lord. While I don't understand why this is the path He wanted me on, I trust Him to lead me through to wherever it is I'm going. And I finally feel like I have learned to stand up for myself, to speak up when I need to. I know what I want in life and what I am done putting up with.
So my back hurts now. My bum knee throbs more often. I miss my friend every single day. But I am still loving my 30's so far! My husband and my son are the best people God ever gave me. And I am ready for the next chapter of my life."
**I found this blog that I typed up a year ago, lost in a list of posted blogs, still a draft waiting to be published. I can't remember why I never posted it.
I still miss my friend almost every single day. I don't know when I will get used to not shooting her a text when something brings up something we would laugh at, or an inside joke from our school days. It's weird because we spent so much time talking about when we were married and had kids. She was going to be the cool aunt that made up for my hover-mom tendencies. We were supposed to do LIFE together, and I wish very much that we still could.
Things with my family are always going to be complicated. I am not as bummed out as I used to be about it. I want their love and approval, but I rarely feel as though I have it. And at some point this past year I realized I don't need them to see my worth. So I am trying to let go of all of the hurt and anger and move forward without them and the people who bring those feelings out of me. I kept giving them the power to hurt my feelings, and that was so foolish. I cannot begin to heal and forgive until I stop engaging in the madness. I have prayed relentlessly for well OVER a year and I know that this is what I need to do. I no doubt will meet with resistance. Family should always stay connected even if the relationships become toxic and unhealthy, they seem to believe. But I don't believe that. Sometimes there are people that are family, that you love, that are bad for you. I refuse to spend another minute feeling let down or angry because of things I cannot control.
My 30's are going to be a great decade, even without people I didn't think would have to exit my life (by my terms or theirs). Because I am building my own family and a loving support circle. Full of people that believe in building up, not tearing down. Minus the extended family drama that tries screaming in my face, I am living a very happy life. And I can't wait to see what happens next! :)
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