Tonight I finally finished adding to your 18-month email and sent it. I always end up forgetting the small things that make my heart smile. I end up revising it half a dozen times, and when I discover something after hitting "send", I just make your father type up his own and have him add it. He never minds.
I found myself including a rather sappy part, more about your future than anything happening now. As morbid as it is, a huge part of the reason I do those emails is so that you have my words. Life is unpredictable, and should something ever happen to me and you grow up and I am not there...well I want you to be able to look back at all of the emails I sent that chronicle our life together. I don't keep a baby book, this method to me is more detailed and more personal. I pray that someday you read these and I'm there to smile about it and reminisce with you about all of the wonderful things you did through the years. I pray that someday when I inevitably am not there that you still keep those emails, and look back with fondness and love at the memories I so lovingly captured for your adult self.
I have so many hopes and dreams for you, as most parents do. The "usual" ones: that you're happy and healthy and live a long time with a wonderful family of your own someday. But I see into your kind little soul, and I pray that we as your parents are able to nurture that. I want you to grow up knowing, loving, and believing in God. To live a life FOR God. To always have that love for music that you have now. I'd love for you to be passionate about anything artsy: writing and music and poetry and drawing are parts of my soul I hope very much live on in you. I used to want to leave my mark on the world through my writing. But now? YOU are the beautiful mark I'm leaving on this world. And whether it's art of some kind or whatever you are passionate about in the years to come...just do it. Follow your heart and your dreams. Don't ever let fear stand in your way or anyone tell you that you can't. Life is so fleeting, we are only given a short time in the grand scheme of things. So spend that time laughing. Loving. Giving. Praying. Following the path your heart urges you to travel. Be whoever you want to be. And along the way, your father and I can't wait to be your biggest supporters. We will be at any sporting event or theater production or concert you ever are a part of. If your passion is drumming, we would gladly get you a drum set. I wasn't ever able to practice doing what I loved as a child (the piano), and so I always swore you would have my support in following your dreams.
You already have such a sweet nature and kind heart, I hope with all of my heart you never lose that. This world can be so cruel and unforgiving, but there is also so much beauty and love and hope...those are what I pray you focus on.
I just want your life to overflow with happiness. I promise you I will always do my part to make sure that happens. As much as I already miss the baby you used to be, I am ready and waiting to watch you grow up. There are so many adventures we have to go on together. And oh, my sweet lovebug...it is going to be such a wonderful journey!
But for now, you're here in my arms. Sleeping peacefully, most likely dreaming of climbing on things without me pulling you down. Or maybe binge-watching Wallykazam all day with an endless supply of vanilla milkshakes and Gerber puffs. Your father just kissed me goodnight and stared at you for a few moments before smiling and telling me how precious you are.
That's my biggest hope for you, when all is said and done. To always and forever know that you are wholeheartedly loved by your father and me.
I love you, cheeky monkey. "I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more."
Love,
Mommy
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