I don't remember the exact moment I knew I wanted to adopt. I was a teenager, I know that. The church I used to work at held an annual adoption event where families with adopted children could come together and celebrate. I often got to go with my mom when she worked childcare for it, sometimes I even worked in child care as well. I think that was my first real introduction to the world of adoption.
I do know that for my entire adult life, it was in my mind and in my heart that adoption was going to be a part of my journey someday. When I met and married Andrew, he was always in full agreement that it was going to happen. Our plan was always to have two of our own, then someday adopt.
Our infertility journey is no secret at this point, I have always done my best to be transparent and open about our struggle and eventual success with our beautiful little boy. So it seems only fitting to be as transparent and open about this slight change of plans.
We were going to get pregnant again. We were telling everyone we weren't, because last time wasn't a surprise. Our family knew what day we were taking our pregnancy test after our Two Week Wait and there was no big surprise with a clever announcement, nothing. And we really wanted to do that. So since the day Matthew was born, most people were told that we were "never doing that again." And every time they protested, we would laugh later, looking forward to the day we could truly shock them with a pregnancy announcement.
But somewhere along the way, our hearts became conflicted. There was more to consider than a lot of couples have to consider when planning a second pregnancy. Our chances of multiples were real, and multiples was something we both agreed we could not handle. Our support system is lacking due to our location and other factors, and we just felt if we got twins (or more) with such a busy boy like Matthew, we would feel even more alone than we already do sometimes. There is also the chance an ectopic pregnancy could happen and my last tube would have to be removed: taking the decision to have more children out of my hands completely. I want that decision to be made BY me, not FOR me.
Then there's how hard my pregnancy was. The nausea. The high blood pressure. The bed rest. That was all hard enough without an adorably crazy-busy toddler running and climbing. Being pregnant and having Matthew just became something I was dreading, and that left me with a ton of internal guilt for months. I took way too long to talk about it with Andrew. We had a plan, and I was changing my mind and assumed he would be disappointed, even though we had been going back and forth for months at this point. So I kept it to myself, thinking as time went on I would change my mind back to our plan and all would be fine. But I just felt more and more guilty at how much I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. Finally talking to Andrew was like letting go from holding my breath for a long time, it was such a whooshing relief. He was understanding, supportive, and not at all disappointed in me or angry. I felt silly, haha, because Andrew has always been incredibly supportive and loving. I think a small part of me wishes we could go with our original plan, but there is too much that could happen that we don't want to, and the much larger part of my heart knows that shelving that plan is the right thing for us.
And so that decision moved up the talk of adoption. We have a vague idea of what to expect from this process, but we are fully aware that it will end up being emotional and possibly heart-breaking at times. I just know in my heart this is what we are supposed to be doing. I am not carrying around any guilt or stress about completing our family: our heads are clear and our hearts are open. We are ready to begin.
A wonderful lady through our church has given us a few agencies to check out. She recommended a book as well, and as I get more into the process I will share the details further. Right now, I'm public as of yesterday on Facebook as to our intentions. My mother-in-law immediately messaged me and shared her excitement at our decision. She was adopted, and so she supports what we want to do 110% and her words were so sweet and welcome. That status update was one of my most liked ones in a long time, haha, so I feel really good about the decision to share our journey, with every big and small step taken.
I do want to make it clear that I know this process is rarely sunshine and roses, but we feel that we have to go into it with genuine smiles, strong hearts, and a positive and optimistic outlook. We know it will be difficult, but we will not be deterred.
"I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken."
Psalm 16:7-8
No comments:
Post a Comment