It is strange how often you've come to mind these past weeks. Your brother is growing and changing by leaps and bounds, and each day brings new adventures that make us smile and our hearts burst with joy. It also makes our hearts ache, we wonder what life would be like with you here.
Would you be into the same things as Matthew, or have interests all your own? Would you be into everything or content to sit and chill, watching your brother channel the Tasmanian devil while he plays?
It's sad that we won't ever know. But we find joy in being able to not have to wonder what Matthew would be like...your short time in this world had so much meaning and sacrifice!! Without your beautiful heartbeat, I would surely have lost Matthew. And the pain of having to lose you is nothing compared to the pain I would have felt to lose you both. You saved him, and most likely me. That knowledge is in the back of my mind every single day as I read to Matthew. As I snuggle him while he sleeps. As he stares up at me smiling. I owe every moment of this last year to you, and your incredible will to survive the way you did.
You will be present in our hearts even more than usual this weekend as we celebrate the day Matthew was born. We have a special art project planned to celebrate both of my sweet babies. This birthday, and every birthday to come, is just as much yours as it is his to Daddy and me. We love you, sweet Evan. We patiently are waiting for the day we get to see your beautiful face and kiss you and hold you.
You are our hero, our guardian angel, our precious baby. Mommy and Daddy love you so much more than I could ever put into words.
"Oh child, precious one
Let your life shine like the sun
Oh child, precious one
With each breath know you are loved
But you say "How long 'til [you] can come home
'Til I can rest in your arms again"
And I say "Not long [I can't] miss this life and I'll be
Waiting 'til then"
Live with the wonder of a child
Pray with your arms thrown open wide
Love with a love that has no end
Until I see you again
Until I see you again..."
Soooo... this made me cry. I am grateful to Evan (and Matthew too) because I feel like both of us having boys about the same age is what brought us back together again. I never realized that without Evan's heartbeat (so they saw him there) you wouldn't have Matthew either. I get it once you said it, but I didn't get it until now. It was a beautiful sacrifice for him. I can't imagine how you must feel with Matthew as your marker of where he would be, how he would be growing. That must be hard and joyful at the same time.
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