Lost and Found

"A coworker of mine recently turned 30. She was understandably less than thrilled that her 20's were over, and I of course teased her a little. But I also told her that I dug in my heels about turning 30 originally, but that I had learned to embrace it since then. 

It got me to thinking why exactly I was against turning 30 in the first place. It's just a number, after all. And with the exception of my all-too-real daily body pains that were NOT there a few years ago, I don't FEEL 30. So why the fuss??

It hit me while I talked to this coworker: fear. 

When I turned 20, I had this whole unknown life ahead of me! I was single, I had a new job making new friends that would take me on amazing journeys. I had dreams of becoming a wife and mother. I had my problems, but life was good. 

Fast forward a decade. It's a very normal thing to hit a milestone age and assess your life. Take inventory, so to speak. And I was going into my 30's with significantly less than I went into my 20's with. My best friend that I was sure I'd spend every decade with? Gone. Moved on happily, without me. No more birthday dinners at The Melting Pot or excited trips to CiCi's. A decade of traditions with one of my favorite people in the whole world, just...gone. The person who always loved and accepted me when even my family didn't: gone. To say it has been heartbreaking for me is a gross understatement. Any songs that can be applied to missing a friend can make me misty-eyed. 

We moved 20 minutes past where we were living before. To an area we love in a house that fit our budget. And we have found a drastic disconnect from my family. We are "too far", so we tried inviting ourselves over a lot, but the driving became too much with Matthew not being fond of the car, and money adds up fast when you're the ones driving. So we rarely see my family anymore. I lived with them for most of my 20's, so to not be there as part of their lives really anymore has been an adjustment. 

I realized that all of these things, that was what I focused on. What was missing. The stuff I assumed I would carry with me everytime the first number in my age changed. 

But I realized somewhere along the way that my 30's will be so much more wonderful than I thought. I have Andrew. And Matthew. I am the wife and mother I always wanted to be. Soon I will be able to focus on my dreams that I wasn't ever sure I could pursue: writing, fostering, working with animal rescue groups. Adopting a child someday. 

Most importantly, I have the Lord. While I don't understand why this is the path He wanted me on, I trust Him to lead me through to wherever it is I'm going. And I finally feel like I have learned to stand up for myself, to speak up when I need to. I know what I want in life and what I am done putting up with. 

So my back hurts now. My bum knee throbs more often. I miss my friend every single day. But I am still loving my 30's so far! My husband and my son are the best people God ever gave me. And I am ready for the next chapter of my life."

**I found this blog that I typed up a year ago, lost in a list of posted blogs, still a draft waiting to be published. I can't remember why I never posted it. 

I still miss my friend almost every single day. I don't know when I will get used to not shooting her a text when something brings up something we would laugh at, or an inside joke from our school days. It's weird because we spent so much time talking about when we were married and had kids. She was going to be the cool aunt that made up for my hover-mom tendencies. We were supposed to do LIFE together, and I wish very much that we still could. 

Things with my family are always going to be complicated. I am not as bummed out as I used to be about it. I want their love and approval, but I rarely feel as though I have it. And at some point this past year I realized I don't need them to see my worth. So I am trying to let go of all of the hurt and anger and move forward without them and the people who bring those feelings out of me. I kept giving them the power to hurt my feelings, and that was so foolish. I cannot begin to heal and forgive until I stop engaging in the madness. I have prayed relentlessly for well OVER a year and I know that this is what I need to do. I no doubt will meet with resistance. Family should always stay connected even if the relationships become toxic and unhealthy, they seem to believe. But I don't believe that. Sometimes there are people that are family, that you love, that are bad for you. I refuse to spend another minute feeling let down or angry because of things I cannot control. 

My 30's are going to be a great decade, even without people I didn't think would have to exit my life (by my terms or theirs). Because I am building my own family and a loving support circle. Full of people that believe in building up, not tearing down. Minus the extended family drama that tries screaming in my face, I am living a very happy life. And I can't wait to see what happens next!   :)

Amateur Hour

I am not a photographer. But ever since I had Matthew, I have really gotten into trying to capture beautiful pictures of him since we can't afford to have a photographer do it very often. I rarely use my nice camera: I use my iPhone and its not-so-fancy edit tool. But for what I am using, I really like some of the pictures I get. Just thought I'd post some of my favorites from over the last year. My amateur work, hahaha. 

Not all of them are of Matthew...

So there you have it. These may not be all professional, but I think they are beautiful. 

The cold never bothered me anyway...

"It's a widely accepted notion that as people get older, they change. With the exception of those that change due to gigantic/traumatic life experiences, I don't think people DO change at their core.  

What I believe happens is we turn into adults, and we change the way we present ourselves. My whole life I have loved animals. As a child I just got excited when my friends had pets and I bought school folders with kittens on them. As an adult I have two rescued animals and plans to foster in the future. I share missing animal photos on FB and follow local rescue groups and share funny animal pictures. Animals have always been important to me, I just show it differently now. 

I have never thought I was beautiful. As a kid this was evident by the way I didn't like having my picture taken. Now I pose for pictures with my husband and son so I'm part of the memory of the moment years later. I stopped worrying about the zit on my chin or my agonizingly thin hair or my giant arms or double chin, I stopped wearing black tops to appear slimmer and wear bright colors now...the people who see the picture already know what I look like. It's not as if they see a picture and go "geez, does she really look like this?" So I stopped being quite as self-conscious. But I still avoid looking at myself in the mirror unless I'm getting ready to go somewhere. My looks have always disappointed me, I just show it differently now.

I've been a sensitive person for as long as I can remember. People constantly hurt my feelings, both intentionally and unintentionally. As a child I would mope or write letters (so as not to be interrupted and sidetracked) or bottle it altogether to avoid confrontation. Fighting with the people I love was something I tried to avoid: fighting meant that person might leave. And being alone is my greatest fear in life. Not just romantically, but with my family and friends. So I let people hurt me more and more, never really defending myself. As you can imagine, that was a horrible approach. I was young. I saw relationships around me dissolve over fights. Family fighting amongst themselves and fences not ever really mending. And of course friendships can end over something as minor as a friendship bracelet for kids. So I was always scared to speak my mind when I felt wronged, I never wanted anyone to stop liking me.

But not long ago I stopped being the version of myself I thought everyone wanted. In what probably wasn't the best way (hard to know how to ease into something new sometimes, I'm human), I started saying "those words/actions hurt my feelings." It felt so good to feel like I had a backbone, that I was STANDING instead of tucking my tail between my legs and apologizing for anything I needed to for whoever to forgive me and get back to normal. I felt like I was finally being true to myself. Giving my feelings a voice. 

And everything fell apart. Those fears of speaking up had come to pass. I lost my best friend. My relationship with my sister is broken, in my mind, beyond repair. And realizing that those people could so easily turn and move on is...I'm sitting here trying to think of a word that encompasses how painful it is. There isn't one. And for months and months I have hung my head and told myself I did something wrong. Common denominator and all. I have replayed things in my head on sleepless nights and long drives to and from work about how I could've avoided the conflict by just not saying anything in those moments.

And it's easy to look at these situations and think "guess people change and turn into people who don't want to be around each other anymore." But is that true? To others it probably seemed like I changed. I didn't crawl back to accept responsibility I didn't really feel I had just to go on being around that person. I stood my ground. I showed the me that's always been there, just hidden. And I think maybe those people never changed, but just turned into a truer version of themselves as life went on. Perhaps they never really cared, just kept up the routine because we were family and they felt they "had to" or because we'd been "friends" for so long it was easier to faze it out after high school and wait for a big fight to get out. Doomed long before the big dramatic ending. 

Andrew has watched me go from a "hold it in" person into my true "address my feelings" person. The man never wavered in his love for me. My mom was on the receiving end of a long letter answering her often-asked "you just seem so angry at me, why?" question. A perfect example of how I should've put more thought into the "how" of opening up. But ultimately I am glad I did it. She went away at my angry words, but we found a way back to a much better place because there was no bullshit. I wasn't going to hold my emotions back anymore. She didn't stop loving me: because she always DID in the first place. 

I have come to realize I am not to blame. I realized that I am the common denominator because I was done not speaking up for myself. I realized the people I've lost that I loved so much stopped caring for me the same way they used to long before the conflicts arose. I realized I shouldn't be ashamed for refusing to continue pretending the way I was feeling was trivial. MY FEELINGS MATTER. All my life I have felt that my feelings weren't important to anyone but me. Now that I'm an adult...well, I learned I am for the most part correct, haha. The people that DO care don't judge me for being myself. Sadly that is a short list. The list of people who stopped caring the day I started standing up for myself is much longer.

Any time I get upset, the word "depression" gets bounced around. Because it could never be anyone's words or actions making me upset. No, it MUST be a chemical imbalance because I have "high expectations" of people. If wanting to know I matter to my family and supposed friends is a high expectation, then I'm guilty. If wanting these people to want to spend time with me is a high expectation? You got me. All I've ever wanted in my life, from work and from friends and from family, is be treated LIKE I MATTER. Call me a friend? Treat me like you treat your other friends. I make a point to actually CALL and TALK to a lot of people. I regularly check in on people that I love through text/Facebook. I mention getting together, but they mysteriously don't follow up. I do my best to show I care about the people I care about. I don't believe for a SECOND it's "high expectations" to think the same in return is the way it should be. Others disagree. 

Today I realized I'm wasting time, energy, and tears on people that don't want me in their lives, based on everything they do. Talk is just that: talk. Action is far more telling. Or in this case, lack thereof. When I see I'm not being treated the same as other friends/family/whatever, it hurts. And tells me I clearly am hanging on when I should be letting go. As the people that do care have watched things go down and talked to me, their advice is always the same: "Jamie, these things you're dealing with are hurting you. Every time. It's not changing, it's not getting better. You shouldn't waste time on people that won't give time to YOU." And I finally heard them. These people are older and wiser than I. I know in my heart they are right. I have prayed constantly to be brought to peace on this situation. I hold my head up when the hurt continues and I tell myself it will eventually get better. 

But it's not. And as someone who HAS struggled (but does not currently suffer from, and that's the God's honest truth) with depression, I know that what can trigger mine is holding in pain. Blaming myself when others are mad at me and I felt I was right.

So before I get to that point, today I say ENOUGH. If you ask any of my friends at work or my husband, they could honestly tell you I am always one to come back saying "I was wrong for _____" when I know that to be true. Maybe not in the moment, but later when the moment dies down. But when months go by and I still feel I said/did the right thing, that I was being true to myself...I'm done feeling guilty for my emotions. 

My name is Jamie Dudek. I am sensitive, occasionally overly so. I can be known to have knee jerk reactions. I have a point I can be pushed past where I can't ever forget what was said/done. I am also silly. Easily amused. I am a hard worker. I am competitive. The standards some think I hold people to don't hold a candle to how hard I am on myself. I fight depression constantly, and have been winning for several years now. I communicate: almost too much. I am stubborn. I detest being treated unfairly. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it's large and it has SUCH a strong will to love my family and friends. I like funny movies and laughing over dinner and drinks with loved ones. I love music and watching/hearing about inspirational stories. I love being a mother, it has been very humbling, challenging, and rewarding. It has made me happier than I ever dreamed it would. I love seeing how much good there is in the world. I am a believer, I love God and I pray constantly, for myself and others. I love to help people. I put myself out there like an open book on personal issues to be able to connect with others who haven't found a way to share a struggle I also have. I hate traffic. And bugs. God I hate bugs. But the thing I hate most in the world is feeling like I am nothing to the people I love. Who I thought knew me, loved me, and accepted me. Who say I matter and then fail to treat me like I do. 

I can't change these people. I can't change what happened. And I'm done regretting. I spoke my mind, I lost. I am finally ready to move on. All I can do is control MY actions and reactions. 

I am human. I have feelings. And I will not stand to have them trampled on without speaking up. You don't like that? I really don't care anymore. Move along and leave me in peace. I have a beautiful baby you will miss out on knowing, and he loves me. I have a wonderful husband who does his best to fill the void left by my favorite people not caring anymore. I have a great circle of friends that care about me and support me: for them I am grateful. I have the Lord. And I am determined to know that is enough, I will stop missing these people who don't give me a second thought.

As I am prone to do at the close of a blog post, I have a "theme song" for my situation. "Let It Go" is very popular, obviously. But it's also a very deep song. Full of pain and determination. 

"The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation,

And it looks like I'm the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside

Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn away and slam the door!

I don't care

What they're going to say

Let the storm rage on,

The cold never bothered me anyway!

It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

Can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me 

I'm free!

Let it go, let it go

I am one with the wind and sky

Let it go, let it go

You'll never see me cry!

Here I stand

And here I'll stay

Let the storm rage on!

And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast

I'm never going back,

The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go

And I'll rise like the break of dawn

Let it go, let it go

That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand

In the light of day

Let the storm rage on,

The cold never bothered me anyway!"

**I found this one, too, like my previous blog. Hidden as a draft from July of 2014. 

I remember why this one didn't get published. Because while vehemently meant every word I said, I backed down. I didn't continue standing up for myself. I played nice as best I could and forced myself to be around people to avoid conflict. Just recently I finally had another "enough is enough" moment that I know will stick. Because I am happier without that negativity in my life. I wish I hadn't spent so long trying to ale my way through things to avoid other people getting upset with me. So much wasted time and energy. I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. "I'm free!"   :)

It would be your birthday, too...

It is strange how often you've come to mind these past weeks. Your brother is growing and changing by leaps and bounds, and each day brings new adventures that make us smile and our hearts burst with joy. It also makes our hearts ache, we wonder what life would be like with you here. 

Would you be into the same things as Matthew, or have interests all your own? Would you be into everything or content to sit and chill, watching your brother channel the Tasmanian devil while he plays? 

It's sad that we won't ever know. But we find joy in being able to not have to wonder what Matthew would be like...your short time in this world had so much meaning and sacrifice!! Without your beautiful heartbeat, I would surely have lost Matthew. And the pain of having to lose you is nothing compared to the pain I would have felt to lose you both. You saved him, and most likely me. That knowledge is in the back of my mind every single day as I read to Matthew. As I snuggle him while he sleeps. As he stares up at me smiling. I owe every moment of this last year to you, and your incredible will to survive the way you did. 

You will be present in our hearts even more than usual this weekend as we celebrate the day Matthew was born. We have a special art project planned to celebrate both of my sweet babies. This birthday, and every birthday to come, is just as much yours as it is his to Daddy and me. We love you, sweet Evan. We patiently are waiting for the day we get to see your beautiful face and kiss you and hold you. 

You are our hero, our guardian angel, our precious baby. Mommy and Daddy love you so much more than I could ever put into words. 

"Oh child, precious one

Let your life shine like the sun

Oh child, precious one

With each breath know you are loved

But you say "How long 'til [you] can come home

'Til I can rest in your arms again"

And I say "Not long [I can't] miss this life and I'll be

Waiting 'til then"

Live with the wonder of a child

Pray with your arms thrown open wide

Love with a love that has no end

Until I see you again

Until I see you again..."

My First Mother's Day

I remember the first moment I knew I wanted to be a mother. It was in a hospital room in Richardson, TX in March of 1998. We were meeting my new baby brother, Connor. Daniel was nearly 2 years old. These two boys filled my heart with such love and joy, I knew for sure all I wanted to do when I grew up was be a Mommy. 

So I grew up. My "timeline" of having met my husband by age 22 was shot. I was mid-twenties and painfully single. You all know the story of how fate worked its magic to bring Andrew and me together: I was  25. And I thought "I still have time to have my first kid well before I'm 30!"

Fate had its own way of doing things on this, as well. I gave birth to my son 5 months before I turned 30, haha. If someone had told me when I was in my early 20's that's how it would be, I would have been disappointed...

...but I'm not now. Not even a little bit. I'm happy about every single moment of my love story. I wouldn't wish the pain and frustration and helplessness of infertility on ANYONE. Ever. And yet it's the only journey I know and so I am thankful for it. Rascal Flatts has a song with a part that always reminds me of our struggle now that we are on this side of it: "And I wouldn't change a thing. I'd walk right back through the rain. Back to every broken heart on the day that it was breaking. And I'd relive all the years, and be thankful for the tears. I cried with every stumbled step that led to you and brought me HERE. Right here."

Today was a day I've waited for since I was 14 years old. That I've ached for even more since I met Andrew at age 25. Being a mother has been what Fate always had planned for me, it just never paid any attention to MY timeline. 

I am a mother to a wonderful little boy. He laughs at silly faces and sounds. He walks with his hands behind his back like a brooding college professor. He loves loves LOVES music (yay!!). He gives the biggest, drooliest kisses in town. He's dramatic (no idea where he gets THAT). He's easy to cheer up. He loves sleep. And bread...lots of bread. He lives to play with Dewey and Harley, and to share his food with them. They draw out some of the best squeals and smiles he has. He loves to dance, and to watch the world go by outside our kitchen window with his puppy next to him. He loves books, cannot get enough of them. He loves catching your eye and scrunching up his face to make you smile and laugh. He likes to clean up his toys (Grandma Linda would be so proud!!). He really enjoys being with Daddy in the kitchen. 

I love learning all about my son everyday. He changes constantly, a cute new thing he does one day can be gone the next. I am blessed to get to stay home so much with him, nothing makes me happier than to be here with Matthew. I'm living one of my biggest dreams: I'm a mother. I wipe tears away when he's sad or hurt. I kiss little knees that smack into the wood floors. I tickle chubby toes. I swing him around as we dance to Disney Junior songs. I read the same story ten times in a row. I takes hundreds of photos of his precious face. I take thousands more mental photos I can't capture with my camera. I tear up when he accomplishes a new feat and reminds me just how fast he's growing. I work tirelessly to try and make that boy clap his hands (no idea where he gets that stubbornness, either...). 

I am a mother. And today was my first Mother's Day. There were no swanky lunch reservations. No jewelry with "Mom" somewhere on it. No bouquet of flowers. Just an art project compliments of Matthew and Dede that I will treasure always. I cried when I got to hang it on the fridge. My first official BADGE, if you will, of being a mother. A rite of passage I've been very excited about.

 

And my day was spent watching Matthew tag along after Daddy to play and be read to. There have been kisses and snuggles, way better than any trinket.  

The day is everything I dreamed it would be. Being able to celebrate this day is very special to me because of how I got here. The icing on the cake was the card from Andrew telling me what an amazing job I do everyday with our son. My heart just is so full of love and happiness today. It couldn't have been any better. 

Well. I could have had more sleep. There's never enough sleep to be had, it seems. I AM a mother, after all.  ;)

It Doesn't Matter

It's already after lunch, the day has gotten away from me. There's a dishwasher to be emptied, a sink full of dishes to be washed. There's laundry to be washed, and laundry to be put away. I haven't eaten or changed out of my pajamas (although, truth be told, I only get out of pajamas anymore if I leave the house). The show of choice today is Sofia the First, the one where Amber sings "Bigger Is Better". Followed by the pink princess block's song on "Big Block Singsong".  

Any mother looking in could find a plethora of things to criticize and judge me on. 

But for what? What do moms get out of comparing and criticizing other mothers? Another mom I know texted today to tell me her frustration at these very moms. I myself have expressed my confusion over some women's need to tear down instead of build up other moms. I found myself giving what I hope was helpful advice, although it was during this conversation where I realized ANY advice moms give can be taken negatively. 

And my advice was this: it doesn't matter. Sounds simple enough, right? We all "know" that the opinion of others doesn't matter, yet we still question ourselves and our decisions based on what others have to say. 

Take co-sleeping, which we do a version of here. I used to get so upset when people judged me or acted like I was permanently scarring my child. Now I react much better because IT DOESN'T MATTER. People make the "well we wanted to do what was BEST for our child" argument. I just want to tell them "you aren't being a better mother than I am because you put your baby in a crib. I could argue I have a deeper bond with my child, but I'm not going to be so arrogant and presumptuous. You parent YOUR way, we will parent OURS."

From what I've noticed in my short time as a mother, moms naturally have their way of doing things, and since they think their kids are perfect and wonderful they incorrectly assume that what THEY are doing must be the "right way". 

Much like diaper brands. People will swear by what they use, but other moms don't share the same fondness. I think Pampers are the only good disposable diaper. I've used all of them over the years in child care, and I consistently think Pampers out-perform. I know women who haaaate Pampers. It's all about each individual mother's reality. 

Half the time they don't mean to come across negatively, but they just do. And they DO because it's natural to get defensive about what you do as a parent. It's natural to get your hackles up about your baby. So while most come across as judgmental, the meaning behind it isn't always that way. You can either get annoyed every time or remind yourself that they aren't trying to piss you off. Moms have made me CRY about things that now I just smile and nod and go "to each their own." 

It's ALSO a moms natural instinct to share with other moms. First time moms don't have a frame of reference and constantly ask other moms for comparisons. And they read a LOT of books that say all sorts of things about "should" and "shouldn't". I am proud that I hardly even read the What To Expect book. My pregnancy wasn't like that book, and my child probably isn't typical either. No child fits those guidelines. 

I think all we can do is try to do our part to stop these negative interactions with other moms. Show them the less hostile way, lead by example instead. Don't take everything as a personal attack. Because odds are their heart is in the right place and they are taking the word of Dr. New York Times Best Selling Author. 

It's also best to say as little as possible on those extremely polarizing topics. Like formula versus breast feeding, co-sleeping, home birth versus hospital birth, c-section versus natural birth, and things like pacifiers and thumb-sucking and television habits. 

People act shocked that Matthew's favorite show is Sofia the First. All because it's not a "boy" show. But I just laugh. My son likes catchy music, when it's on I pick him up and we dance. The "girl" shows just have better music. Someone inevitably goes "but he watches other things, though, right?" and one day I will get the nerve to go "not really, is that a problem in some way for you?", haha. 

There will always, always, always be SOMETHING for someone to turn their nose up at. We just need to shut down conversations with these people. It's not worth it. Because these women that ARE being snarky only get validation that they are being good moms, making the coveted "right choices", by pointing out what other mothers are doing wrong in their eyes. 

So today there are clothes and dishes to be dealt with and princesses on our television. But there's also a little boy dancing and playing with puzzles and looking at the window and chasing the cat and snuggling with his momma. There's a HAPPY baby that is so incredibly loved by his parents. A baby that will (hopefully) begin the transition to his crib tonight, too: fingers crossed! And no amount of criticism changes anything in this house. Because it doesn't matter. We are doing the best we can, and at the end of the day that's all ANY mom can do. 

Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails...

Hello, all! It's been a long time since I did a blog update, I know. I won't be adding any pics since you all see them on Matthew's page. Multiple times daily, haha. But I've been reading a lot of children/parenting blogs lately (both funny and serious) and just have felt so happy that I'm not the only mother out there completely in love with being a mom!! For me, it's also a giant blessing to be a mother to a little boy. While clothes may be more "fun" for girls, I definitely am relieved to have been given a beautiful little BOY!

I grew up babysitting and nannying for about ten years, in addition to working childcare at my old church during church services and functions. I have seen the good and bad examples of boys and girls for a long time. And there was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted boys when I had children with my future husband. I would love a girl with all of my heart, don't get me wrong. But I would choose a boy every time if I could.

As I'm typing, Matthew keeps coming over to crawl up on my lap and get right in my face to demand kisses. He will then snuggle a bit, then head back to his trains and books and puzzles, repeating the process randomly. That right there is my favorite thing about little boys. In general, I have found boys to be wayyyyyy more snuggly than girls. My son certainly is full of snuggles, something that melts my heart multiple times a day.

I also love the toys he has!! I played with Barbies and all that, but since my main playmate growing up was my little brother, I have a fondness for "boy" things! Robert and I played video games and Hot Wheels and Little People and TMNT. We had a game table that had foosball and pool. I wasn't playing princess or baking in an Easy Bake Oven. I was playing Nintendo and incorporating Josh's old Micro Machines into our Hot Wheels game. I loved when Daniel and Connor came along and were into Thomas the Train! I love trucks and construction toys and building things, and I love watching Matthew discover the joy in these toys. I'm not girly at ALL and so playing with Matthew appeals to me more than dresses and bows and all things pink. Last season we all enjoyed watching Sunday afternoon football as a family, and I loved watching Matthew and Andrew bond in that way.

I learned to really love the clothes!! I love Polo onsies and blue jeans and even the occasional monkey outfit. Nothing is cuter than a little boy all GQ in some argyle sweater vest with khakis, I'm sorry!!

I look forward to the things to come. I hope very much to raise a sweet, respectful, God-loving man to send into the world. I hope that he's just like his daddy, with a few of my better qualities thrown in for good measure. I can't wait to see what his interests and dreams are so that I can be his biggest supporter and encourage him to follow his heart in life. I want to teach him how important it is to be kind to those around you, and not to jump to easy judgments. I hope to encourage a good work ethic in all he does. Mostly, I hope he grows up loving himself as he is, and that he always ALWAYS knows that we love him with everything we have. I sit and watch him and Harley observing the world outside our kitchen window everyday, and I pray that he retains that curiosity and wonder as he grows.

Until then I look forward to having a great excuse to watch kid shows/movies, to watching his brain begin to figure out how to complete these puzzles he loves to play with, to cheering him on as he tries new things like walking and talking more, and to taking hundreds of pictures to capture every moment. And dancing. We love to dance around here.  =)

So thank you all for "liking" his pictures and sharing in these special moments with me. I have very little to complain about, even on trying days, because being a mother makes me so incredibly happy. My son is absolutely amazing and I just love my cheeky monkey so much!!

PS- if you have never checked out http://sarahdriscoll.com/blog, then you are missing out! She's got so many great blogs about being a mother and father to girls/boys. I loooooove her photography and her views on kids. It's nice to read a blog series NOT complaining about how evil children are!!